I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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