so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
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do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
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I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
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