It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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