The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
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How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
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Why can't burritos get me drunk
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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