I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize