She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
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Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize