i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
why does every cop we meet know your name?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
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