What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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