There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
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There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
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I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
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