i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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