the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
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