i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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