Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
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I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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