i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
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I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
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I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
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