I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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