i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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