3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
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she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
The power of my boobs compel you
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