mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
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Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
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My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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