My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
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I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
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I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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