dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
These tits shall not be calmed
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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