Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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