I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
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she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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