I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
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We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
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It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
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