I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
