and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
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Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
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you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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