I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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