OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
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At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
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What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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