why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
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becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
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Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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