I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
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It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
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To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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