If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
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I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
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We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
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