She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
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All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
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i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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