I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
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He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
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Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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