the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
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Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
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Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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