I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
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I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
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Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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