....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize