My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
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This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
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Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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