I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
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