i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
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Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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