if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
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More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
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I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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