Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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