god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
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