god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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