he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
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i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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