Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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