This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
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Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
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I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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