Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
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He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
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So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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