he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
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He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
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That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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