go do what you do best...puke behind churches
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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