He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Alive.
So much puke
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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