he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize