why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize