Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
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the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
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Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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